What Does It Feel Like to Face Death?

When you are suddenly in mortal danger, you have only the choice to fight to live or to give up and die ... and one will find the desire to live to be quite strong. If you slowly come to look at death because of pain and suffering, it might seem a refreshing idea ... but it is really just running away from the issues that need dealt with and results in the loss of everything that could still happen good in life.

How Many Times Faced Death?

That is, surprisingly, a difficult question to answer. Besides the time I was suicidal, there was one time where I was in immediate / imminent danger of dying. There were several other times when a bad situation could easily have turned disastrous.

It is an odd feeling when you suddenly realize you are in mortal danger. Often, especially with accidents, there simply is no time to think about the events that are happening ... you can only try to react quickly. It is also an odd feeling when you are in a bad situation and do have time to think and make decisions knowing that it is a life and death choice (or, at the least, are in serious trouble).

We go through different stages in our lives. As events happen, some will make you think deeply about life ... other events just come and go. Accidents tend to come with physical consequences (loss of a car, damage to camera equipment, injury to the body and time healing, etc.). But unexpectedly facing death is probably one of the most jarring of events.

The number of times I have faced death involving water is concerning ... apparently I underestimate the forces involved or overestimate my abilities.

Suicidal at Eighteen

The beginning of Elder's Model of Creation came many years ago in a moment of suicidal thought. At that moment, the meaning of life became a question to be answered. Although unknown at that time, this situation was brought about by growing up watching fictional television, playing video games, and learning a secular education. Each of these contributed to a life that struggled with truth and reality. Ultimately, life was not understand and, therefore, it was given little value.

In the months prior to that moment, I had begun trying to improve my life by following the wise sayings of those who have lived before me. I really had no goals in life other than trying to live without pain or boredom. Following this, the search for meaning to life began in the realm of philosophy. Concepts of life and death, physical and spiritual, pleasure and pain, morality and law, and even art and aesthetic beauty were all topics of interest. The Epicurean philosophy, which stressed the pleasures of the mind over the pleasures of the body, became the norm for myself. Eventually, I realized that all of philosophy is based on assumptions and that it only produces a lifestyle rather than leading to the meaning of life.

It was in April of 1990. In the evening I went out in the small woods behind my parent's property. The snow had been falling and the moon was just rising. It was calm and peaceful and when I reached one spot I had what many describe as a mountain top experience ... one where you can see the many different perspectives of your life at once. On the one side of the trail was life. On the other side of the trail was death. It seemed to me that death was the more inviting side at that time. I had not been considering suicide, nor at the time did I think it was. But I considered just lying down in the snow and going to sleep, realizing that the cold would produce a hypothermic state and I would not wake up. Many thoughts ran through my mind for the time I stood there. Most prevalent were the thoughts of how rotten my life seemed ... how void of any significance. In that state of mind, only one question came to my mind that had the effect of making me want to live longer; which was 'What is the meaning of life?'. I decided I would look into that and for a long time feared that once I had answered the question, I might choose to come back and sleep.

Questioning Lifestyles - Philosophy

The search for meaning to life began in the realm of philosophy. It was obvious that different nations, cultures, and peoples had various views of what life is and how it should be lived. Concepts of life & death, physical & spiritual, pleasure & pain, morality & law, and even art & aesthetic beauty were all topics of interest. As studies progressed, the Epicurean philosophy became the norm. This philosophy places greater value on the pleasures of the mind, such as knowledge and wisdom, than on the pleasures of the body. Thus, the college years were spent in education (on natural resources) rather than socializing. Learning about the possibilities of life seemed more important than experiencing it. Eventually the realization came that Epicureanism, and all other philosophies, produce a lifestyle, rather than a life, that is based on assumptions.

Exploring our World - Science

The battle of conflicting ideas and concepts appeared endless. Thus, answers to questions were also pursued in the sciences. Science was inviting because it appeared to have absolutes in scientific laws and mathematical formulas. This was a time of exploration of what was around me with the hobby of photography to help record it all. However, despite all the learning, there was still an emptiness inside. The meaning of life was not to be found in the physical or the mental. Furthermore, it was noticed that life was not matching up with what was taught while growing up. Instead, life was more complex and had deeper levels than what the sciences could manage to explain.

During my college years, I also started exploring our world in the sciences. I have always had a special interest in the outdoors and eventually received a bachelor of science degree for a conservation major and a geography minor from Kent State University. At the time, I thought I was doing well ... but I did not realize that I was being taught a secular form of science based on concepts of evolution. Within the classroom, I was never told of the problems with evolution theory or the evidence against it. I simply accepted it and then helped teach it to others through my work in the Ohio State Park system. After years of studying science and nature, I was still empty inside. The meaning of life was not to be found in science. Not only that, but I had begun to notice that life was not matching up with what I had been taught ... it was much more complex and had deeper levels to it than what the sciences could allow for.

Return to Scripture

As I continued my attempts to study life, I finally turned toward the Scriptures, beginning with the book of Ecclesiastes, and began searching in the spiritual direction. I did not know it at the time, but though I was raised in the Christian church, I knew very little about what the Scriptures had to say about life. I was soon to realize that what I knew about life was a man-made perspective that tried to explain our planet and our lives devoid of a spiritual realm and the One Most High.

In reading the Scriptures, I was faced with several major decisions. Was I truly to believe that they are inspired and that the Almighty really exists? Was I to follow the instructions given in Scripture or live life according to the religious traditions created by man? Was there a spiritual realm that exists alongside of the physical realm? Am I able to have a relationship with the One Most High? Did I genuinely understand and believe that salvation and eternal life come only through the Messiah? These questions and many others needed to be answered. I called myself a believer, but my life and my actions did not show it.

The greatest change in my life came when I decided to start praying. The initial attempt was to pray fifteen minutes each morning for three months and see what would happen. The first morning I got up, prayed for a whole two minutes and then did not know what to do for the remaining time. Though I had grown up going to church each week, I had not learned to pray. I soon received some excellent advice that said I should pray to the Almighty like I would talk to my spouse (sharing good things, bad things, desires, fears, etc.). I tried this, especially letting our Heavenly Father know of my fears and concerns for the day. I was able to fill up fifteen minutes. By the end of the three months, the result was that the things prayed about generally went better than what I had been accustomed to in the first 30 years of my life.

Foot Accident

Probably one of the mildest injury risk was when I was invited to join some family (and their friends) to do some target shooting. I had not grown up wanting to be a hunter, but gun collections were interesting to me at that time and I knew there would be an opportunity to shoot a black powder rifle. The property we were practicing at had an abandoned railroad line next to it where the rails had been removed long ago.

We had been practicing a short while and I was returning from setting up a new set of targets when something went through my boot and up into my foot. I just stopped ... holding my foot in the air ... and let them know I was injured. They just stood there looking at me like I was crazy. I dropped to the ground and took off the boot. When they saw the blood, they realized it was real. We later learned that there had been a fence beside the railroad line and, at least for this spot, the metal pole had been broken off instead of removed. Over the decades, it had rusted to a sharp metal point hidden under the leaves on the forest floor.

It was because there was a group of people that this was not such a big issue. I was chair-carried out of the forest and taken to a hospital. Had I been alone, I doubt the injury was severe enough to cause death, but it would have been significantly more effort to get to the car and go to a hospital by myself. That was the summer before I started university and I spent two months of it wearing a medical boot (not a full cast) and using crutches for a short time.

Although this was not such a bad incident, it still stands as a reminder how quickly a situation can change and of the hidden dangers from the activities of others even from long ago.

Cold Flooded River

Without a doubt, the most vivid time I have suddenly faced death arrived while attempting to get some photographs of a small railroad bridge during the spring thaw in Ohio.

I had previously scouted the location out in Amish territory and knew of an old wooden railroad bridge that might make a nice photograph. However, the stream underneath usually had very little water in it and the picture would be much better with water flowing. One spring day, I was going to be near that area and the temperature had risen above freezing and much of the winter snow had been melting. I think there was some rain as well. When I drove down to check the bridge I got stopped before I could get there. The road bridge leading up to it was flooded with water. This was the same stream that went under the railroad bridge. At this spot, I would guess at least 50 feet of roadway was underwater with the deepest section being a fifteen foot section where the road bridge was located.

At that time in my life, still a bachelor, my car was essentially a mobile photography studio and photography blind. My trunk was full of items to help with photographing animals ... including thigh high wading boots. I thought it would not be a problem to put the boots on, walk over, take the photographs, and come back.

As I waded across the road bridge and the flood waters, the water level came up to about an inch or two from the top of my boots. I made it across without incident and spent a little time taking pictures. Then I started crossing the bridge again to go back to the car. I cannot say if the other side of the road was slightly lower or if the water level had risen, but whatever the cause, this time the water flowed over the top of my boots and filled them with freezing cold snow melt water. It was probably only a few seconds before I felt an unusual sensation ... something similar to the idea of swallowing a giant peppermint or wintergreen mint ... it felt cool inside my chest ... from the inside. Suddenly, I knew I was facing death. The heat loss from the blood in my legs (which were now surrounded with icy cold water) was circulating back up to my heart and then beyond.

They say there are moments when you decide to give up or you decide to fight. At this point in my life, I had not yet returned to Scripture nor started finding any true meaning to life. Yet as I now faced death, I knew I did not want to die ... I wanted to live! And I think I was angry that a little stream would take me out (there is nothing heroic, honorable, or of value dying in just crossing a stream). And with a surge of energy I trudged my way through that water, took off the boots (which were carrying a lot of water), got to the car, and turned on the heater.

I was not close to help with the exception of some Amish farms. This was the days before cell phones. So I just sat there ... shaken and alone. After awhile, perhaps half an hour, I felt better and collected my things and drove off to my destination that day ... not telling anyone what had happened to me just a little earlier.

It amazed me to realize that deep down inside, we all seem to have this idea that life is precious. That life is valuable. That for someone to die young is a tragedy. That the desire to live is so strong. And yet, we humans can out think ourselves. We can let logic and emotions carry us to such an extreme that we would snuff out a life, even our own life, and justify it for many far less important reasons.

At the time, I may not have made the connection, but this was probably one of those defining moments that helped me start to look at Scripture again. Whether directly or indirectly, it was about this time in my life I started reading Scripture ... searching the depths of the book of Ecclesiastes ... but that is a story for another chapter.

Car Accident

Another time that could have been much worse was a car accident. I had been hired to photograph some art pieces on display in a museum and was on my way there. As I crossed through an intersection, a big pickup truck came through and hit the passenger side of my car. In a fraction of a moment, the car had made a 270 degree turn on the road and ended up stopping in the oncoming traffic lane. As I looked over, I saw that the oncoming traffic was far enough away to stop. Then, to my horror, I saw my camera bag flying over the pavement and eventually hitting and rolling to a stop.

I do not recall how much I checked myself, but it was not much. I got out of the car and went to get the camera bag. Then, I turned around ... and saw the passenger side of the car crunched up and heavily dented inwards. An ambulance was there soon after. The paramedics were amazed I was up walking around. Apparently, accidents like this are typically much worse. If I had not been wearing a seat belt, I might have been flying over and hitting the pavement just like my camera bag.

Oddly, probably also in my favor in this event, was the fact that I used my car as a photography blind and, as such, had removed the front passenger seat from the car. It had been that way for years. Had it been there, it likely would have been shoved into me. Instead, there was an open space where the impact occurred.

I later learned from the office involved in taking the report that when an intersection that had never had a traffic light gets one, accidents skyrocket for about six months. I became one of those statistics. I was driving a road I had driven for years and had always had the right-of-way at that intersection. It had recently received a traffic light. I cannot remember it, but witnesses say I went through a red light. It was my fault. I could take some solace in that the car I was driving was old and that the pickup truck received minimal damage. The amount of speeds and forces involved in a moving car are hard to imagine until you experience them going the wrong way.

Although I attended church, I was not an active believer at this point in my life. Physically and mentally this event impressed upon me an appreciation for safety devices and for defensive driving. Spiritually, however, it did not occur to me to think or question how much the Eternal may have protected me in this accident. Looking back at this incident with an understanding of angels and demons, blessings and cursings, as well as miracles and magic ... those things that work in the background spiritually but are difficult to quantify ... really make me wonder what was happening in my life at that time. Being a believer does not promise that we will not have problems or suffer pain. Yet, even at that time, I was noticing the subtlety with which believers seemed to be often spared the worst of such events.

A Scorpion Sting

A good example of this, would be getting stung by a scorpion. If a person were to plan a half day walk in a desert, it could be a pleasant excursion. However, if one is unexpectedly stung by a scorpion while far from any help or vehicles, it could now become a survival situation. Even if it is not a species whose sting can kill directly (those are relatively rare in the United States), such a sting can incapacitate an arm or a leg for a day or two making travel or movement difficult to impossible. Becoming stuck in a desert without extra water, food, or shade is potentially life threatening.

The first time I was stung by a scorpion, it was next to the apartment where we were currently staying. Wow! At first I did not know what happened because it occurred after sunset and was dark, but immediately I knew this hurt more than any wasp or hornet sting I have had. I was stung on the pinky finger. In moments my hand was numb. Shortly, parts of my arm went numb. I was able to move my arm and hand, but it felt like a weight with little sensation except a pins-and-needles feeling in some spots. It took a few days to return to normal. I would not call that event life threatening, but it certainly shows how quickly a situation can change.

This page is under construction. My apologies for any misspellings, repeated text, missing references, etc. Please visit again later for a more complete treatment of this topic.